Dear diary,
It’s been 3 months now, I can’t tell if things have gotten better or worse. I received a letter from mother and father today. Receiving that letter made me wish even more I was in the safety of my gallery doing what I love. Trying to block out my emotions is my biggest challenge. No one in the camp shows emotion; they all seem numb to pain. I understand why they are like that as it feels if we’re stuck in hell, nothing around us seems real anymore. We’ve watched innocent people get killed right in front of our eyes. God has a plan for everyone but I never imagined this would be his plan for us, Innocent man sent to do the unforgivable. Momma tells me to pray every night but a part of me is giving up ,cant god see me? Why would he send me here? Why would he take me away from my home and the things I love, it’s not fair. Many people believe that we will never go home or we will die fighting but I don’t see why god would put us in this position if he wasn’t going to get us through it. I know he’s still watching us but i feel as if his vision has been blurred from the hatred that is surrounding our world.
Dear diary,
It’s been a week now since i’ve been able to write in my diary. One of my bunk mates died yesterday. The funny thing is we had become quite close. He was only two years younger than me, he had a beautiful baby boy at home with his wife. He told me that the thing getting him through was knowing he might be reunited with his wife and child one day. He was a lot like me in some ways, brave yet completely terrified, confused by the reason that god sent us here. Obviously no one knows the answer, why he sent innocent people to die but everything happens for a reason but i guess we haven’t figured out that reason yet. In the beginning, Fighting in the war felt surreal, now it’s almost lost feeling. It’s a routine now, fighting and being brave every second. We can’t show any emotion. Not showing emotion is easy for some people but not for me. Being sad or missing home definitely isn’t an option But when someone who you had become close with dies in front of you that makes things a little harder.
Dear diary,
Things have gotten worse, at least that’s the way I see it. Maybe I’m only seeing it that way because I feel as if any day I could die. I’m slowly giving up. At night I lay in bed, praying and wishing I was home seeing my family and being safe. Being safe is a feeling I haven’t felt in awhile, the constant fear of being killed follows me everywhere. Writing in my diary helped me at the beginning, but now I feel as if it’s making things worse. I read back at the things that haunt me, so for now I’m putting my diary away and stopping. Maybe the next time I write i’ll be home in my art studio.
-Andrew Kennaway
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